my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
