I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
