Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You ruined the universe
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
