Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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