Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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