this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
