you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize