I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
