Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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