when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
