Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
