i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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