Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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