i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
