Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
