Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
