maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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