You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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