My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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