My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
