Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
