We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
