What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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