She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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