Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
