I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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