I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize