I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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