he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
