Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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