don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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