You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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