If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
