there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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