Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
