I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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