The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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