as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
