totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
