Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
