I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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