I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
