I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
