Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
