you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
