He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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