My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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