Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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