Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i will never coherently bang her
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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