God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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