who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
