im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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