why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
