mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
